


Cutting Deeper

by Nihonkikuasa211



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: Discussions of Sexual Relationships, Dissussions of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Neglect, Platonic Relationships, Tag to 1x12, Tag to 1x14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 03:26:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5852194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nihonkikuasa211/pseuds/Nihonkikuasa211
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Heather tries to seduce Mario again in the locker room, the dark-haired resident refuses. Heather states a thought to Mario that he has thought since he could remember, and he wonders...could anyone actually love him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cutting Deeper

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a slash fanfiction, although you can interpret this as such if you chose to do so.

_Cutting Deeper_

           

            Mario turned around and was surprised to see Heather almost waiting for him beside his locker as it closed. The male resident sighed and tried to ignore the anger welling in his stomach. It was unexpected. Although in the back of his mind, Mario had known the relationship had only been about sex, the knowledge that Heather was having sex with multiple men – he supposed, as of how she had talked to him – left a strange feeling in his stomach. _“Oh, I see.”_ Mario thought now that Heather had sounded like a cat purring as it caught prey. _“You missed me.”_ The dark hair resident inwardly swallowed, trying in vain to come up with a reason why he felt this _feeling_ as his dark eyes stared at the surgical resident.

            “What are you doing here?” Mario barked.

            Heather tilted her head at him with a confused expression, her once matter-of-fact features as she had explained to him as they treated a patient with gonorrhea disappearing as she stared at him in slight surprise.

            “I thought we would do it again,” she said. Mario fought the urge to snarl as he pushed passed her He had never felt this much disgust before. _Usually I don’t give a shit about these things. I don’t give a shit who sleeps with who…but this is different._

_Why?_

But he knew the reason before he opened his mouth.

            “Why do you have sex with me if I was a resident?” At the corner of his eye, Mario had seen glimpses of Angus’ face as the resident had exited the desk, oblivious to the fact that his so-called friend was unsuccessfully processing the information about the surgical resident. _“She only sleeps with attendings.”_

            Heather’s only reply was a shrug. “You were available.”

            “I was…” The words echoed dully in Mario’s mind. _Available._ He almost wanted to laugh at those words, having heard those who knows how many times in the halls of his high school, screaming matches turning into fist fights and tears. But the laughter faded on his lips and almost choked in his throat.

            Before Mario could speak however, Heather continued as if she didn’t see the expression on Mario’s face.

            “You were also good,” Heather stated nonchalantly. “Usually boys your age aren’t that –”

            “I’m not a piece of cattle,” Mario hissed. His face darkened, and he was about to leave again before Heather planted herself in front of him.

            “You enjoyed it though,” Heather whispered, her face close to his lips as she spoke to him seductively. She lightly took her hand and grazed it over his chest. “Remember? You kissed me and we had sex here. Twice.” Suddenly she sighed. “Poor Angus.” The name of the resident caused Mario to look at Heather for the first time since she had told him they were not a couple. _“Whatever it is between us…we’re not a couple.”_ Inwardly, Mario had known he walking down a destructive path if Angus had ever found out about him and Heather. As Malaya said, Angels was small and wouldn’t keep the secret forever. But Mario had a more selfish reason for keeping the secret.

            He didn’t want to hurt Angus. It wasn’t that long ago that Angus had hoped that he would lose his license. _I had meant what I said,_ Mario thought as he remembered the day he and Angus had made up. The once-thug was afraid of losing whatever friendship – or whatever relationship they had – with the only person who truly made an effort knowing him. _But what was that about, telling me he liked Heather? I would have thought he would have pestered me about what happened with Gary, but no, he had to shock me by telling me that he liked Heather – that they shared a connection – when before I thought he was insecure to even look at one!_

            “I never expected you to be so conservative,” Heather continued to mutter. “Angus did say that you had a black heart, you know, so I thought –”

            “He didn’t mean to say that,” Mario stated although something in his heart told him otherwise. Heather apparently heard the weakness in his argument and continued.

            “I thought we would enjoy each other, like I do with others.” Heather almost childishly pouted, and Mario almost laughed at the absurdity of such an expression. “We could share, and I don’t think you will be able to stay away for long.” She leaned in close to his ear. “You missed me today.”

            “I wanted to see if it was true that you slept with Dr. Campbell,” Mario stated with cold anger. He shrugged Heather off and almost burned a hole in the locker that he was staring at. “And it turns out that you see sex as something that I don’t.” Mario was satisfied with his attempt at curving the anger continuously boiling in his stomach, trying to fight the urge to punch something as he started walking out of the locker room.

            “Do you really think anyone would be able to love you, Mario?” He froze. The words trickled down his neck, almost like ice-cold water, and his breathing faltered. “You know you’re going to screw up your _friendship_ with Angus, so why are you wasting your time?” Heather stated the word friendship mockingly, as if she believed that it didn’t exist. “You’re really nothing special. I’ve slept with guys like you.” She turned her head towards him, and Mario could see fire burning her eyes. “They either die because of murder, drugs, or something equally pathetic. I don’t know why Angus deal with you.” _Shut up._ Mario wanted to shout. His mind, however, was too stunned from the coarse words that he was finding it hard to focus on anything. “Why are you even here, anyway?”

            “Shut up,” Mario stated as he willed himself not to allow his shaking hands show. But Heather saw, and her face broke into a façade of pity. “Shut up,” he snarled at the voices invading his mind. They were there, as they always were. Telling him things that he thought were true until he had opened himself up to the one person who seemed to tolerate him enough: Angus.

            “Is it because you want to prove your self-worth?” Heather continued despite the storming rage growing in Mario’s expression. “Is it because you want to prove that you are more than the shit-life you lived before you came here like someone who clearly didn’t belong?”

            _Shut. Up._

“Or is it because…” Heather titled her head again and smiled at him, relishing in the sudden animalistic expression on his face. “You realized that you’re in love with your best friend?”

            _“Shut up!”_ Mario roared. His breathing came in ragged gasps, and his hands were shaking so badly that he couldn’t even put them into fists. His eyes were wide, and Mario attempted to swallow the heavy saliva building up in his mouth. The dark-haired resident turned, facing Heather as he continued to breathe heavily. “I want you to leave. And never, _ever_ , come in here again.”

            _I don’t like Angus that way. That’s..._ Mario couldn’t think. He couldn’t think. It was if the hallways had faded into a dream, as if he wasn’t walking anywhere. Ted flashed in his mind. The patient he had told a such-guarded secret had thought that he and Angus were a _“thing.”_ He had asked Mario to tell him a story. _“I remember when I fell in love with my best friend…”_ It had been a damn suggestion, sure, but Heather – goddamn Heather – had said the same thing. But...

            _He’s my friend. My_ best _friend. And –_

“Hey! Mario!”

            The dark-haired resident almost wanted to shout as he heard Angus call out to him. He noticed despite his tired eyes that Angus was happy. It was easy to see that Angus was happy, knowing that the resident wore every expression on his face. Which was why Mario was surprised to find that Angus particularly care anymore about Heather – his face didn’t suggest anger, as was often pointed at him, or even disappointment. It was just a face that wasn’t exactly calm, but not devastated.

            “I didn’t see you after we saved the septic girl.” Angus’ grin was almost blinding. “She was asking for you –” Then suddenly, the light brown-haired resident realized that Mario wasn’t particularly paying attention and looking blanking at something that wasn’t there. “What’s wrong?”

            “Nothing,” Mario stated as he put up the _“wall around the heart”_ again. He looked toward Angus, seeing his blue eyes stare concernedly at his friend, before asking him carefully what happened.

            It was clear that Angus was not about to budge. _He’s_ way _different from the time of the dry thoracotomy._ “I just want to be alone tonight, Angus.” Mario sighed as the resident refused to take that for an answer. “I’m just glad you weren’t with Heather. She would have destroyed you.”

            “Mario,” Angus stated with a strange tone in his voice. “What are you…?”

            _I might as well get myself killed now._ “I slept with Heather, Angus.” Mario expected the resident to react, but there was nothing as the overweight resident continued to look at him.

            “I don’t _care_ about that now,” Angus said with a fight fierceness as Mario continued to not look at him. “I want to know what happened to _you_.”

            There was silence. At first, Mario didn’t move. Then, he looked back and continued to see worry and concern in Angus’ eyes, and motioned the resident to follow him. It was a nice night, Mario observed. Usually he didn’t care about those things. But now his mind wanted to focus on anything more than the wounded words bleeding in his heart. The sky was dark, and faint stars shone overhead. _Almost like cracks in my own messed-up heart._

“Will anyone be stupid enough to love me, Angus?”

            Mario didn’t trust himself to look at the blue-eyed resident, and instead looked at the dead stars. His mind continued to be blank, trying to breathe as he stated the words that had always been in his heart. It had followed him until he found a place called Angels Memorial Hospital, and he wondered now if Heather had spoken the truth.

            “If you’re calling me stupid, Mario, then it’s not going to work.”

            Mario turned so quickly he found himself trying not to swallow the vomit coating his throat.

            “What?” he rasped.

            “There are many types of love, Mario.” Angus’ voice was calm and gentle, almost as if he was speaking to a child. “Most people seem to think of romantic love when they think of the word. But,” he stated with a small pause, “there’s also love between friends and people that you know. Dr. Rorish and Dr. Hudson may not be together romantically, but it is clear to anyone that sees them that there is respect and love in what they have.” Then a weird grimace appeared on Angus’ face. “Which is why I feel even more terrible for pestering Mike of why our dad wanted to talk to him, and when he told me that Dr. Rorish was leaving, I had no idea that Dr. Hudson was still there.” Angus raised his hand as Mario opened his mouth. “I’ll explain later. Anyway,” he said to Mario with a pointed look. “I just want you to say that you are loved, Mario. The others consider you their friend, and I _know_ you do as well – have you ever noticed of how our teachers call us by our names now too?”

            Mario nodded. A part of him wanted to speak, but the first year resident realized he didn’t know what to say.

            “You’re still stupid,” Mario hoarsely whispered suddenly at the words suddenly became clear in his mind. _People…actually care about me. Like…I having a meaning in my existence._

As if Angus was reading his mind, the first year resident replied, “I know. But I will convince you every day that you are here that you do matter, Mario. Even if you don’t believe it yourself.”

            Mario swallowed and then sighed as he stared at the sky. For some reason now, standing with Angus by his side, the stars looked beautiful.

         


End file.
